assorted thoughts....

Does anyone know if there are records kept on wind? It seems to me that for the last two years in New England, we have experienced more windy days than I can ever remember.

You can always tell when my blood sugar is off when I have many typos in my posts and comments.

People are always attracted to people that make them feel comfortable, at ease, and make them laugh. No one likes a curmudgeon....and that's what I feel like. A walking, talking bummer.

Buddhism states that life is like riding in a cart with square wheels. The eightfold path is the Buddhist Rx for smoothing out the ride.

My current employment and financial status has tried to humble the proud Leo.

I feel like getting in a fight.

I cry in secret.

Two things that I thought I would never have;
1) regrets
2) enemies or people I no longer associate with. My open mat has disappeared

There is a new book, "American Gospel : God, the Founding Fathers, and the Making of a Nation" that I want to read. I loved 1776. My favorite authors were James A. Michener and Wilbur Smith.

I was born, it seems, with an agoraphobic nature. My earliest memories are anxious ones. I have come a long way. No one would ever guess what lies beneath. On a Taoist forum recently, I was discussing this and stated that I can fly with a couple drinks and a .50mg Xanax. One person stated that they were "sad for me". I was insulted. I was born this way and I've overcome much. Well, Fuck you! I'm sad for me too. Perhaps that is the problem.

Did I say that I want to get into a fight?

The odd thing is, if I find another job that utilizes my talents and one that provides well, I will feel better on so many levels. Does this mean that my state of mind is determined by life's circumstances? I used to think not. I was at peace, acceptance, yielding to obstacles. It would appear that I lost much more than I thought possible when I lost my job. I'm insulted by that too. If I spring back once things are better, does that mean I'm a fake?


Loralee Choate said…
I think you are a fighter that has just had a load of shit in your life and are dealing with it the best that you can! A Leo! I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Here is a little bit of wisdom I've learned.

Money cannot really bring much happiness.

The lack of it to meet the necessities of life can bring much unhappiness, no matter how kind or loving or WHATEVER you are.

People thrive when they feel useful and independant and like they are contributing. If your moods weren't affected by your surroundings to some point, I would think that you lived in a vacuum.

Besides, I keep thinking about the first post you ever put on my blog and it was about how you thought me dressing up in a lame "Cat in the Hat" outfit to read to kids was great and that you always thought you would be a good teacher.

I thought that rocked and I still do.

I don't feel sad for you, I just want the crap to stop raining down on your head. You deserve good things!
Capegirl said…
"People are always attracted to people that make them feel comfortable, at ease, and make them laugh. No one likes a curmudgeon....and that's what I feel like. A walking, talking bummer"

there are many people in the world who meet people where they are at and don't expect a sunny smile 24/7. in fact who does that anyway? so why should you darling one? you're frustrated by things and that's what humans do. you also get to feel sad for yourself from time to time. and money brings comfort and that's cool. nothing wrong with admitting that! most would. tim don't be so hard on tim. i don't think you have to always feel at peace. not even the holiest of holy did that.
Capegirl said…
p.s there is nothing fake about ya and i totally love you as you are!
Rowan said…
You obviously ahven't given up on yoruself and that is the main thing. I know, I'm one to talk, but I think in a sense, the fact that you are feeling so angry and want to "fight" with someone is a good thing. It's just your determination getting frustrated at bouncing off of nothingness. Don't let it get you down. Turn that energy & feeling into getting what you want. You are certainly no fake. You are someone who is used to being a productive person and you feel naturally caged like anyone in your position would. I think really, for how long this has bene going on, you've handled yourself well...much better than I would I know. You have a patience that I admire actually.
steve said…
wouldn't worry about the fake thing, Tim. definitely not.