Displaced and free floating anger

Just a good deal of frustration lately. Job hunting is going poorly. There hasn't been a paycheck in two months. $$ getting scarce.
To top it off...I gave my oldest son an ultimatum on mid week. Hospital/rehab or out. He has been clean of heroin for several years. Things have been tough as he has Bi Polar and is taking interferon for Hep-C. Recently it became apparent that there were several indicators of possible drug use. We danced around it for several months. He has never been a thief. When things turned up missing, a little detective work found his fence. The dance had to stop. He moved out.
I belong to a Cyber Sangha. My frustrations and anger have led to a need for some guidance, feedback...or something. Their response has been more the cult of personality and the realization that I need a teacher close to home. Those that are closer to Buddha-hood, enlightenment or whatever....are less likely to show up on a cyber Sangha and jostle at the trough to be heard and seen as spiritual or having arrived.
Then...my younger son needed someplace to stay as he and his girlfriend are quits. This time its serious. She took out a restraning order on him. Typical domestic. Never know who to believe. So, here he is.
I can't imagine how I'll survive the heating season. I only have two cords of wood. Oil is priced so high that its scary.
Over time, I've come to realize how little friends I really have. I have two from my youth. Greatly loved and appreciated. The rest are club friends from my sportsman's club. A few from the car club. Superficial at best. Usually you have "work" friends. I have worked so far from home in the last decade + that that isn't true. I'm becoming a white, middle aged, loner. Christ...I hope I don't go fitting the psycho profile.
I have forgotton how to have fun. Can't laugh for crying. In the mood for a fight. I really need some help. I'm going to retire to the cushion as the only thing that I can depend on comes from within.

Comments

Anonymous said…
i think it's not important to have many friends as long as you have a few good ones. quality over quantity.

milktea
capegirl said…
I don't know what to say. Sometimes we just need to take that couch nap, until we feel better, you know. "Within" is so truly where it's all at. But sometimes within is fuzzy and "without" seems just tooooooo much.

I've had a frustrating week too and feel like having a bit of a rage against the machine moment. I might just have it and be done with it.

Not having money really sucks ass. Last year and the one before, It was really bad for us, but things did improve and I know they will for you too. In the meantime...I include you in my form of "prayers"
Rowan said…
I don't know what to say, I have similar problems, not the heroin, but damn, I just don't know what to say about that, I think you did the right thing, that's about it....as for the depressing stuff about friends, well, you read my blog....you know...
Lost said…
We all get that feeling. I know I do. And sometimes tough love is the hardest thing to do. I know.
Tim said…
Milktea..you are right. I know it. You know it. Glad you're one of them.
Capegirl..I could use a nap. Got a spare couch?
Rowan..don't have to say nuthin!!!
Lost..boy, I know you know all to well what I'm talking about.