tao1776

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A vampire is the Archetype of an old soul. Having lived throughout many lifetimes, he lives the darkened life of a hungry ghost, a belly too large to be satisfied, a mouth too small to receive sustenance. A spin, a swing of the blade.To kill, to fight to live. The act of battle has the old soul feeling alive. The mystery of a new lover, her tender kiss, breathing her breath, her smell, her taste, drawn deep into his lungs and being; brings life to an old soul. Children, new life. Beginnings. Spring. Hope. Autumn is the season of the old soul. Winter's approach hung as a carrot on the end of a stick, bittersweet. Hanging there beyond reach for one who knows hunger all too well, while only carrots there are to eat. Will this life bring realization, that he may escape the wheel of Samsara? having been born and then having died. To be reborn according to his deeds. Like Sisyphus, all is labor and endless tasks.

The wind in the trees brought a low level sense of awe. It is stated that during the time of Samhein, the veil between this world and the next is at its thinnest. Perhaps, I think to myself, what I am feeling is universal. At no other time of the year does the night have this feel, this look, this smell. Leaves in competition, turning their colors from green to shades of red and yellow chime a unique sound. In unison as the wind moves them to dance, they appear as individuals, seeking to be heard during these last days and nights before they fall to the ground and continue our shared cycle of life to death. My breath is lodged between my chest and belly and I consciously seek to move it, to regulate it, to seek its natural rhythm. Chi is scattered and the mind must direct it. I cannot see the ground under my feet and focus my eyes several feet ahead letting my peripheral vision fulfill its purpose. Reaching the crest of the barren hill I rest alongside the only tree left standing. A ta...

I am pro choice and anti abortion. In other words, I could not choose for myself (if it were possible) to have an abortion, but I believe that it is the right of every woman to be able to make that choice for herself. When my eldest daughter came to me and told me of her pregnancy, I thought that I had many justifiable reasons to tell her, "You would be better off getting an abortion." To my daughter, I love you. You are a better Mother than I ever thought possible. You have been so responsible and mature and Brielle is the greatest joy. Although you understand the reasons for me making such a statement, it was wrong. I am sorry. You have had to make several hard choices and have sacrificed to give her your best. I am proud of you. Love, Dad

I hope that you have been able to bear with me. Life has been forever a birthing process for me and perhaps I tend to whine from time to time. I blame it on being human. Maybe you see it differently. I am all ears. I live, I learn, I listen. I'll be completely honost with you....my life sucks! I cannot abandon those around me that depend on me. Perhaps there is a little codependency going on here but I can't see it clearly. My salvation is my practice, no matter how sporatic it becomes. Battles with lonliness serve two puposes. On one hand it draws me deeper into awareness but on the other it sometimes makes me feel less human. Others around me, my peers, as there are not enough thereabouts that share my passion for inner cultivation, live their lives differently than I. Solitude is my constant aquaintance and it often makes me sad. 私達は私達によってが私達によってが苦しむことから自由である幸せな5 月である健康な5 月であるように!

The Sales Manager was extremely interested in hiring me. Facts are: 5 1/2 day work week. All commission. Hours 9 am until 8 pm. Will be paid $300 a week that will then be deducted from my sales commission. Need to also wear their shirts. Of course you have to buy them. No thanks. Brought my resume and filled out an application at the Developmental Center. It is a large (300 +acres?) running farm (and more) where the State used to house most of it's retarded. In the country's effort to deinstitutionalize, the farm now houses many of the eldering that have always lived there and many dual diagnosed that cannot successfully live anywhere else. "Hey! Remember me?" asked a round happy faced guy. Obviously a client. "No, I don't," I smiled. "I'm Binky!" "Oh. Yeah," I greeted him. "How have you been?" "I'm okay," he responded positively and then proceeded to rub his fingers together in the universal symbol of mone...

Well, I'm off for an interview at the Car Dealership. I can't help but feel like I'm being punished. Me? Working as a car salesman? I don't have the job yet. Just the thought of interviewing with them makes me ill. I have often compared my experience with that of Jack Crabbe in Little Big Man. I find myself experiencing major direction changes in my life/occupation that require that I adapt, all the while trying to maintain that sense of being that is often contrary to the task at hand. Maybe I'm really a real asshole in disquise and this job will help me come to terms with my assholishness. Maybe I'll redefine the entire art of car salesmenship. Maybe I won't get the job and I'll sink into poverty. Maybe, maybe, maybe.....This time around, I am having a most difficult time in watching what may come. Knots in the gut. Sleeplessness/sleepiness. Waking from sleep with an anxiety attack. What the hell? I suck!

Not that I plan on it anytime too soon. I want the cheapest casket that one can buy. Preferably, a pine box. I want to be waked at home. Prop me in the corner. Not sure if the laws of Massachusetts will allow it. The most liberal state in the union and they make fucked up laws outlawing such simple requests. Open bar, Buddhist priests, a Shaman or two thrown in. I want the Ghia to be raffled off. Say, 1,000 tickets @ $50 a piece. I want the proceeds to go to Ahisma Haven http://www.ahimsahaven.org/ I want my pipe to go to my youngest daughter. I want my collection of Buddhas to go to my eldest son. All but the porcelin Quan Yin. That should go to http://anonymousrowhouse.blogspot.com . My books to Jataka. My middle son can have all my tools that the Lady doesn't want. Thats if she is still with us. I always say that she will go first. She says we're going together. (always was a dreamer!) My Mala beads to Sara and her daughter. At what point does one consider making a will? Bef...

I've dog shit on my shoes. It stinks ! I have no ambition to scrape it off. I have been offered to call the car dealer a mile up the road to interview for a job on Monday. Do you think that there is any correlation? I'm sick of business. Money changing hands. Company politics. Will working as a car salesman make me feel any better? Will I smile and greet everyone all day long and kick the dog when I get home? The funny thing is, I have a high degree of personal integrity. I would be the most honest car salesmen that you would find. I am always true to myself. I think that the customer deserves good service, respect, patience. Money is not easy come, easy go. So, perhaps this job would be good. I'm so damned indecisive these days, who the fuck knows? Well, I'm gonna kick the shoes off onto the porch. Maybe I'll find a stick and scrape tomorrow. Maybe I'll put on a different pair of shoes. No, wait. They have shit on them too. Dammit!!

The morning is dead and the day is too. There's nothing left here to lead me, but the velvet moon. All my loneliness I have felt today. It's a little more than enough to make a man throw himself away. And I continue to burn the Midnight Lamp. And I continue to burn the midnight lamp alone. Yeah yeah. Lonely lonely lonely. Ah. Oh. Loneliness is such a drag. Will I live tomorrow? Well, I just can't say Will I live tomorrow? Well, I just can't say But I know for sure,I don't live today No sun comin' through my windows Feel like I'm livin' at the bottom of a grave No-ho sun comin' through my windows Feel like I'm livin' at the bottom of a grave I wish you'd hurry up and execute me so I can be on my miserable way

Nine month old Brielle loves to dance. One of the few bright spots in my life right now. She has the head moves of Stevie Wonder, the arm moves of Joe Cocker, the leg moves of Neil Young and the soul of Aretha.

And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. Sometimes in life, like Gideon, we look for a sign. Something to show us that we are going in the right direction, taking the correct fork in the road. In traveling this pathway, this sign, old and rusted, had outlived it's purpose giving no directions whatsoever. In my desire to "see" a sign, or to have the right direction become clear to me, I consulted the wisdom of the Yi Jing which often tells us what we already know but often refuse to hear. I have often spoke about the state of being better known as Wu Chi. It is a neutral state that creates the state of being known as Tai Chi. Intuition is sharp. You don't need signs. You intuitively know when to stand still, move forward, retreat....It is a state of peace. It is only acheived...

Incense & Yi Jing

Acta non verba Tu ne cede malis sed contra audentior ito Stultum est timere quod vitare non potes. Vae victis! Requiescat in pace (RIP).........

I looked at over 2000 jobs today.

There is nothing more comforting than the smell of wood smoke on a cold September evening. The leaves are only threatening to fill our yards as they resist the wind's efforts to hasten the season. Ah, the season is so bitter sweet. Autumn is my favorite time of the year and Winter my least. To some degree this has become less so since I have been observing the change of the seasons marked by Solstice and Equinox, the four points of the seasons that also mirror the days of our lives. Autumnal Equinox this year is Sept. 22, 2005, 6:23 PM EDT and marks the time whereby the day and the night are equal in length. It is a time of harvest and preparation for the cold and darks days ahead. We are often unaware of the cycles of the cosmos and see the changes from one season to the next as lacking any real significance. But I believe that there is balance to be found and felt when one stops and steps into the cycle of the cosmos. Take time to smell, to taste, to appreciate on this day. ...

Won again!!!!!! Not that trophies are important...but it is fun to get them. This summer we recieved two like this for "Cruiser of the Week". It is picked by the sponser of the week. The first was given to us from the Veteran's Outreach and the second from Foreign Auto Parts. Last night there were over 100 cars, so we were caught completely off guard. This year we won 1st place for Karmann Ghia at the VW show in Shrewbury, MA and 2nd place in Mt Holly, VT. We also won a plaque for "Best Cruiser" this summer. I'm not a trophy whore...really!!!!!! I'm not!

This is my bud Roger with his very rare 1969 Plymouth Fury III convertable w/ air conditioning holding a winners plaque. This guy cracks me up. I've had a few people tell me that he looks like Gary Busey. Last year, while attending a large event, we were approached by a guy who told him that he needed to start making movies again because every movie that he has been in was great. So, perhaps it's true! Roger served his country in Vietnam as a Marine in the late 60's when we were mired in the thick of things. Pulling stories out of him is very difficult. Was so true of my cousin Bobby as well. When Bobby died in his mid fifties, it was said that he died from Vietnam. Also true of my ex-POW father. My father was in Bad Orb, Germany. Someone stole something and the German guards led my father and a host of others to kneel before a ditch. A gun was placed to their heads in an effort to have one confess. The story always ended there. Roger.....good guy!

It's the dark that I remember most. Hell, even today I can't sleep peacefully in a totally dark room. I used to spin the flint on my zippo under my coat just to remind myself that it was the dark; that I wasn't blind. It's not like in the movies where the guy on watch could spot someone creeping up towards the line. In the wet and the mud, the canopy blocked out any moonlight. Someone would have to be right on top of you before you spotted them. God damned Harvey Jenkins always volunteered to take point. He had this dumb ass country bumpkin look about him. Like he was always smiling, even when he wasn't. You'd think we were hunting squirrels for crissake! We wern't surprised to find him one morning with his throat slit and that dumb ass grin still upon his face. No one heard anything that night. Still, I preferred this to the hill. We knew that the ants were impartial but you couldn't prove it by me. It always seemed like they came at us with a vengeanc...

I'm not looking for a scapegoat, but........

Brielle is walking!!! Be still my beating heart