I got too much Saturn and not enough Moon

I am so God-damned depressed. Sure, there are some circumstances that if changed, would aid in elevating my mood. Truth is...it's genetic. So much so that my wife and I have felt some remorse over making the decision to have four kids due to the piss poor genetic background on both sides of the family tree.
I have fought it for 50 years. I have used or tried to settle into the usual aides; Drugs, alcohol, religion....then I found a real handle on things through Taoism, Buddhism and meditation. However, it is there. It is bad. I know it is bad when I am inclined to withdraw from social contacts, things I used to enjoy, and a desire to cry lingering just below the surface. I tried some anti depressants for six months and I didn't like how it made me have very bizzare dreams. Now I am unemployed and have no insurance....so any meds are out of the question. I have been trying St Johns Wort for about six weeks....to no avail.
But.....it's time to grow silent. I'm laying low. I may be back. I'm not looking for attention. At least I don't think so. I just have this driving urge to say, "fuck off". To you, me, and every other asshole on this planet. And all this from the one voted, "most compassionate". Depression is like the proverbial rose colored glasses in reverse. Everything looks bleak. My life up to now...my life after now...the present moment....the internal voices remind me what a lousy fuck I really am.
So, for now, ALL I ASK FOR IS SOME SORT OF LIFELINE! Burn a little incense for me. Send a prayer to the universe. Stick a pin up a voodoo dolls ass, if it'll help. Screw it. Have a good life people!
But, I'm a true Leo. I'll pass through this eclipse of Saturn and shine bright another day. Until then.....Chi mi rithist thu!!!!!

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