How is it?

Based on the wisdom of the Buddha we learn that our experience of today is based upon the decisions that we made yesterday....the future is based upon the decisions that we make today.....The unexplained is always chaulked up to "karma". Makes for a nice package, doesn't it? I had four kids. I believed with all my heart that they would never feel the sense of abandonment that I felt. They would all feel secure, self assured. I don't take the blame, perhaps some responsibility, for their troubles; but, as I've posted before, the gene pool puts them at a major disadvantage.
I was born anxious. A very well hidden secret. My earliest memories are filled with anxiety. I remember my best friend at age five getting hit by a car. I remember a family that would often come by to have weekly fist fights. I remember having some grunts stop us as they pee'd in my new baseball hat. All before I was six years old. But, I was anxious long before that. Later, as a macho, long haired teen in the late 60's and early 70's, I had agorophobia. What tha fuck! I tried mentally to overcome. I tried alot of shit. Good dope. Old time religion. I was thirty before I had a handle on it. I am now 50 fucking years old...and still struggle with it. I hate it.....So, here come the four kids. The oldest...major depression w/ bipolar episodes. The next with depression and anxiety disorder. The next with anxiety. The fouth....a self driven perfectionist, has depression. C'mon........tell me that they "learned" it by example. I'll tell you, as an ex - minister, as one who has studied and practiced on a limited level, psychiatry, and as a Taoist/Buddhist.....you are way off!
So, how is it that we find ourselves here? Dumb ass question, I know. And...I'm just venting. BUT....more than one head is always an advantage. I welcome your input. I do.

Comments

justrose said…
where do you think it comes from? I have depression and OCD, but I just see it as yet another thing to deal with ... and new ways of seeing things help immensely toward that end.