tao1776

During this time of year I am usually thinking of my father who was at this time, in 1944, being escorted through the gates of Stalag 1XB. But this year, perhaps due the emotional highs and lows (mostly lows) that I'm experiencing due to pending divorce, am thinking often of my mother. A few years before my father passed away, when he was struggling through a day to day existence, (much like when he was a P.O.W.) my mother could see over the precipice. The days were growing short. The reality of finding herself without him mocked her like the jester of death pointing his bony finger signaling towards the grave. I offered to walk to church with her on a dark and moonless night on Christmas Eve. Snow danced through the air trying to stay aloft fearing that once they touched solid ground they too would be no more. The children, at least those that were left in the ever dwindling congregation, marked the occasion with skits and song. At the evenings conclusion, the children passed ou...

It is true that relationships, especially marriages, take work. That's real life. Ebb and Flow. I've often made the statement to people that are having difficulties with their marriages, "When it is good; it's great. When it's bad, it's really, really, fucking bad"! The point being that you should persevere.The bad will become good again. And when it's good, it is great! But sometimes, I do have to admit, working on a marriage can make you feel like Sisyphus.  forever doomed to endless labor. And I have found that I cannot push anymore. The rock is beginning roll right back over me. And Christ! I did not know that it would hurt this bad. And what I find particularly interesting is the level of grief that I feel over seeing my wife suffer so. I want to spare her. To save her. To make everything all right for her. And she is right there with me! She too is grieving over what she feels. She wants me to spare her, to save her. To make everything al...

It has been a long and arduous road with many points of beauty along the way. As usual, expectations, hopes and dreams ran high at the start. It is understood that there will be both good times and bad. Life dictates that some days we're up and on other days we're down. In full understanding of this reality you come to see and appreciate that this is "Just Being Human..... "there is neither good nor bad. It is what it is. And therein lies your place of comfort. Like building your farm on a good piece of land with dark, rich and fertile earth. The possibilities are endless.  You are not alarmed nor become giddy by the highs and lows. You enjoy the ride. And great scenic views led to a willingness to press on; to develop patience and steadfastness even when the path was filled with thorns and pain and confusion.  Long-suffering has so often been pictured in portraits throughout social and religious history as somethin...

When in the throes of pain and disability several years ago, I learned several valuable lessons. One thing that I was able to learn is that disability, or pain, or the loss of income, does not define me. Making the change from breadwinner to house-husband did not define me.  My desire to be kind and understanding best defined me. Since when does kindness need to be defended like a castle with high walls with a moat?  I laughed easily and sought my pleasures in the simple things.  But I cultivated a desire to be a better parent than the parents I thought I knew. I sought to be the wise master of the home, the great father, the best husband, a good son; a good guy to know.   And to that , I was attached. The problem with identifying with any changeable sense of self is that you can find yourself in the position of always having to defend your position. I AM wise, I AM the best husband, I AM a great father. There is nothing inherently wrong wi...

"It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." 

I have been either blessed or cursed with the burden of being a very serious and sensitive man. It has created a state of being whereby I always second guess whether or not I am making the "right" decision. Even when outside observers state that it is obvious to them, I wallow in a sea of vacillation; usually due to conditioning and fear. I have been experiencing waves of just wanting to hide under a rock. After 35 yrs with the same woman and 33 years of that time being in marriage, I feel it disingenuous of me to continue on. I endure, out of wanting to take care of her; a woman that is controlling, who suffers from abandonment issues, who drinks too much, who is a mixture of charming/victim/annoying...and in an effort to control my keeping her at arm's length while I figure out what to do, she has broken objects, cut things, and has made a laundry list of threa...

Imagine there's no drama, its easy if you try. No mountains made of mole hills, no one to  make you cry... You may say that there is no other way, you signed up for the long term, so just buck up boy! But I have to believe that this is not the way, to bear the burdens, through a weary day. So, imagine here with me, prayers at your side, days of joy and comfort, peace is my abide...

"That is another of your odd notions," said the Prefect,  who had a fashion of calling every thing "odd"  that was beyond his comprehension,  and thus lived amid  an absolute legion of "oddities."    E.A. Poe   W hen the air is thick with the threat of snow, when the cold air stands crisp as opposed to being frigid, I  wittiness the wood smoke rise from the chimney and hearth to ride the night air like children on the family toboggan. The sight and the  smell of wood smoke playing in the night air serves to remind me that the season contains within it the seeds of play, of warmth, and a time of revelry.    H hibernation is not our calling.    T he pines stand tall stabbing at the night sky acting as sentries standing watch; looking for that first blanket of snow. In unison they will catch the falling snow only to later gently lower their limbs and allow the ...

 Where do I leave off and where do you begin?  Does for better or worse mean that I be lost to you forever? My attempts to fix you only leave me more broken than before. It is sad for me to see you in pain; to cut, to drink, to lash out in anger and cries of being abandoned.  My surrender will only leave me more dead inside. Where do I leave off and where do you begin? You bargain and lash out in anger to win my love. For you do not know how it could be gone or be lost or turned into something else. And I have no answer that does not but produce more unanswerable questions that lead to more pain and anger, and lashing out to gain my love. Where do I leave off and where do you begin? This is my fault, my doing. Everyone wants it fixed. Afterall, it is what I do. If healing you means that I become my own disease, that would be fitting;  that would be right? For no greater love is this:  that a man lay his life down for his friends? Where do I leave of...

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"Spring comes with flowers,  autumn with the moon,  summer with the breeze,  winter with snow.   When idle concerns  don't fill your thoughts,  that's your best season." -   Wu-Men

According to Pema Chödrön, we might think that knowing ourselves is a very ego-centered thing, but by beginning to look clearly and honestly at ourselves, we begin to dissolve the walls that separate us from others. The journey of awakening happens just at the place where we can't get comfortable. Opening to discomfort is the basis of transmuting our so-called "negative" feelings. We somehow want to get rid of our uncomfortable feelings either by justifying them or by squelching them, but it turns out that this is like throwing the baby out with the bath water. According to the teachings of vajrayana, or tantric, Buddhism, our wisdom and our confusion are so interwoven that it doesn't work to just throw things out. By trying to get rid of "negativity," by trying to eradicate it, by putting it into a column labelled "bad," we are throwing away our wisdom as well, because everything in us is creative energy—particularly our strong emotions. They...

After leaving the Emerald City seeking to obtain the broomstick of the wicked witch per the wizard's request, Dorothy's friends decide that it would be best to arm themselves. The Tin Man has an axe, the Lion brings a canister of pesticide and the Scarecrow pulls out a gun.  Fear of what they might find propels their effort to gain  props to aid in warding off their fear. They anxiously proceed fearful of what they expect to encounter and thus they armed themselves with whatever they could find. Our minds will often react just as Dorothy's trio did so the moment in the story passes quickly without little notice. We, like them, arm ourselves and nervously look forward and backward trying to guess what might be coming next when times are trying, tough and unpredictable.  Lions, and Tigers and Bears! Oh my! But this is not the way. This is not our practice. What? You didn't notice that the Scarecrow carried a gun? After the flying monkeys carried Dorothy a...

Pip had traveled the continents in search of his ancestral origins.He had been witness to the Full Moon in every month of the year in only one place and that place was home. Singing moon, Barley moon. Harvest moon. His parents and friends were unaware of the seasons or the passing phase of the moon. They held no meaning or sway. But Pip had been to Iona and saw the moon there. Pip traversed the four mountains. He saw the equinox at Calendar One. What is the meaning of all this?  All that Pip could say when questioned, "When I venture down the lower lane into town I often cross paths with this certain old man. I don't even know his name. But I get the sense, a full sense, that he is wise and knows more than words can express. As we pass by our eyes meet; however brief. I tip my hat to him and he to me. There is a certain transmission that takes place and I travel on wiser and more compassionate than before." Godspeed, Pip.

Thirty three hundred leaves assist the clouds in this seemingly endless game of obscuring the sun. And although it is only mid-September, I witness the trees giving the occasional "push" making a leaf fall, leaving its post as it follows the wind to the ground. I laugh, knowing that the leaves do not "leave" and "fall" willingly. The tree decides. The leave is pushed: it falls. Is the leave aware that this may one day happen? Does it make any preparation? One by one they fall to the ground allowing the sun to warm what it will of the day. It doesn't help. It's only one leave. Then two. A third, and then a forth. Seemingly endless. Occasionally there is a break in the clouds, a part in the branches causing me to feel the warmth on my skin and a lift in my spirit. Colors look bright and shadows give the world a pleasant contrast. I can hear the acorns fall from the trees as I watch the squirrel dart back and forth gathering the harvest.A chain saw...

"The shoe that fits one person  pinches another;  there is no recipe for living  that suits all cases."   Jung

What qualifies a religion to have it regarded as being produced by the Devil? Is it deceit? Is it hate? Is it violence? And who is it that is sufficiently qualified to in full confidence make such a decree? Ann Coulter? Terry Jones? Ted Nugent? The Dove World Outreach Center. Now that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one. Now, the dove is the symbol of  peace and caring. Of love, grace and promise. Wherein do we find deceit, hate and violence now? However I do not blame Pastor Terry Jones. It must be remembered that the Bible says, "For the Love of money is the root of all evil". Pastor Jones resides over a flock of around thirty people in that ever enlightened State of Florida. Hernando de Soto was looking for the fountain of youth in 1539 and people still flood the gates of the Sunshine State in search of their lost adolescence. No, the problem here is money. This dude has a book on Amazon and it's sold out because of all the publicity. The local economy of G...

"The art of living...is neither careless drifting on the one hand nor fearful clinging to the past on the other. It consists in being sensitive to each moment, in regarding it as utterly new and unique, in having the mind open and wholly receptive."  - Alan Watts In a time of days so many years ago, when I was a self proclaimed Christian, it was a common practice to participate in a form of story telling referred to as " telling your testimony ". It was your own self narrated biography of how the Lord Jesus Christ found you in your lost state and worked to bring you into God's fold. The more that you told your self narrative, the more polished it became. It was your story. His-tory.  This form of a self narrating story of who we are and where we came from, the ongoing self reporting of our highs and lows in life, which have led us to this our focal point in time,  is often the yardstick by way we take to measure ourselves, Christian or not. We do it our ...

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.   When you lose, don't lose the lesson.   Follow the three R's:   - Respect for self.   - Respect for others.   - Responsibility for all your actions.   Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.   Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.   Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.   When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.   Spend some time alone everyday.   Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.   Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.   Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.   A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.   In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current...

ENLIGHTENMENT One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple - Jack Kerouac Okay. This is it. I have read and studied and dissected the Bible. I examined the view of the mystics, from Merton to Meister Eckhart. I looked into Sufis and Zoroaster, Ellen White and Sri Ramana Maharshi. The Sutras, the Upanishads and Bhagavad gita. The Yi Jing, the Tao Te Ching. And I am speechless. I am reminded of those that questioned the blind man about Jesus and all the blind man could say was, "All I know is, once I was blind and now I can see". As Watts says, "The menu is not the meal". You can read until the cows come home and still know nothing about the farm. You can read all about enlightenment. But there comes a time where you need to do nothing. And one of the best ways to do nothing is to "sit" in meditation. It's not as unusual as you may think. You do nothing to make your heart beat. You do nothing to make yourself breathe. You do noth...

1) The true test of whether a pizza is a good pizza is that it tastes even better cold the next day. 2) When you need your sleep it will elude you. 3) On you're most blissful days there will a substantial increase in the amount of people who will want to disturb you. 4) America likes their beer cold and coming fast so finding a perfect pint of Guinness is similar to chasing rainbows. 5) The harder you seek the further away you are from that which you seek. 6) The older you get the quicker the seasons appear to pass you by. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall....here we go again. 7) The more you pay in taxes the less you receive in services. 8) The more that you make friends with the present moment the more the present moment will be friendly. Surprising things happen when you are more a reed and less a towering oak. 9) There will always be war: there will always be conflict. And there will always be those that seek to beat plowshares into swords. 10) Bein...

We have gloriously passed through a traditional New England Spring before being led into the depths of an equally spectacular summer season. For more than a decade it has not been our experience that, "April showers bring May flowers" nor has there been for us the "Dogs days of August". The seasons have been unseasonably Willey nilly! I'm not complaining about 2010, the Chinese year of the Tiger!. However, it does seem that the Autumn is closing in fast and we're all trying to scratch what we can out of the summer season while it is still with us. It has been a time of fortuitous change for me. The garden was in early and yard chores were quickly completed. I found myself back upon the bicycle and I managed to lose 15Lbs. I am able to stretch in several ways that these old legs have not seen for some time. The Karmann Ghia is in top form and I have been on several long cruises about the New England countryside with the accompaniment of a wise, funny an...