Looking for Light

I have been either blessed or cursed with the burden of being a very serious and sensitive man. It has created a state of being whereby I always second guess whether or not I am making the "right" decision. Even when outside observers state that it is obvious to them, I wallow in a sea of vacillation; usually due to conditioning and fear. I have been experiencing waves of just wanting to hide under a rock.
After 35 yrs with the same woman and 33 years of that time being in marriage, I feel it disingenuous of me to continue on. I endure, out of wanting to take care of her; a woman that is controlling, who suffers from abandonment issues, who drinks too much, who is a mixture of charming/victim/annoying...and in an effort to control my keeping her at arm's length while I figure out what to do, she has broken objects, cut things, and has made a laundry list of threats; she has packed and threatened to move, has threatened suicide, has begged, cried and kicked and hit me and pulled off a third of my beard from off my face. After a cup split my head, I dialed 911 and had her arrested for domestic assault. (this was hours after I had eye surgery) She was bailed and was brought to the nearby home of my daughter, She refused to stay put and came home to continue. Her words, as soon as she came in the door were, "You are going to burn in hell" and she proceeded to open a beer. To avoid further confrontation, I slept at my daughters. I have bopped about since. She held thanksgiving with the expectation that I should "suck it up" like she has had to "suck it up" with my ignoring her and attend Thanksgiving dinner.
I did not.
Her arraignment date is scheduled for next Tuesday and I want to go home. Not to return to verbal and physical abuse. Not to worry and fear. To MY house and home. I am anxious, afraid and confused. Like a dog that knows no other master I want to lie at her feet because it is all that I know: even if it means that I will continue to be kicked and chained out all day. She is still calling for me to, "Come"!
And to believe that my return (to her) might even be a slight possibility reminds of that commercial where a patient is being counseled by a former drill instructor who tells the patient, "Well, maybe we should head over to namby pamby land and get you a little self confidence"!
Whatever... Regardless.....I am thankful and hope that you had a good thanksgiving...


Shubhajit said…
"The whole of life is only a swan song! Never forget those lines:

The lion, when stricken to the heart,
gives out his mightiest roar.

When smitten on the head, the cobra lifts its hood.

And the majesty of the soul comes forth,
only when a man is wounded to his depths."

( From Upanishads)
Tao1776 said…
Shubhajit - Thanks!
I did arrive home the day after Thanksgiving. If I had assault her, even minimally close to what I suffered at her hands,I would have begged her forgiveness! Although she states that I punish her by my silence, she had nothing to say...not an apology - not a word.
Her silence says much more than mine!
Shubhajit said…
Yes. Silence is the biggest punishment. I suffered from this and I made people suffer from this.I can easily relate the pain and agony but its all morbid sentimentalism. Alas! It's not so easy to get rid of it.
Kelly said…
Tim. What to say other than my thoughts are with you. May you trust your self, and be kind and good to you.