Where the rubber hits the road

A chimpanzee who goes to the library everyday
is not intelligent,
he is just a chimpanzee
in a library.

I've been sick for the last week. No fever. Just lungs full of phlegm and the feeling that there's a cinder block on my chest. You can surely bet that any cold I manage to catch will readily convert to pneumonia. I guess that the point that I am trying to make here is that the above quote is meant to apply to me.
I have known some level of pain and illness and disability for much of the last twenty plus years. I have known pain as a teacher and as a friend. It taught me well; and compassionately. There comes a moment in time when the student is able to share from that of which he has learned. There is wisdom, and experience; self knowledge and a deep compassion because of it.
I am becoming more aware of how little I have to offer. I am empty.
In the story of Kwai Chang Caine his life's direction was abruptly altered in a moment of anger and revenge. It is incredulous to me how so much work and concentration and transcendence can be lost in a moment.
I too experienced that moment. The last decade has shown highs and lows but little of my emptiness. But I know. And I know why.
I think that the teacher is reminding me that he has never really been gone too far from me. I must return to him before he decides to return to me.
I don't think that I could bear that lesson again.


Sophia said…
I used to think that every time I messed up I'd have to go backwards and start over from the very beginning. That's not what happens when you're hiking up a path. If you fall you get back up and dust yourself off; you keep hiking forward. You don't just suddenly find yourself back at the start of the path. That's how the spiritual path is - you fall, and while it may slow you down temporarily, you still get up and keep going. You still get to keep all the experience you gained from all your past lessons.

You have a lot to offer. There is more to this than meets the eye!