Disassociation



For those of you who may be familiar with Latin or those of you that have known me through my blog since it's inception in early 2005, "A fictional iter itineris" began on my blog of 9/19/06.

A stick in the mud is a point of avoidance; giving a wide berth, for in so doing, you can avoid getting shit on your shoes. I have become that stick. Perhaps I should be pleased by my service but no one really enjoys being stuck in shit, now do they?

I have become increasingly dis-associative; hence my semi fictional account of the cabin, of Earle, and of my long hike in the wood. Although rooted in truth and in characterizations of people that I truly know, the stories are a fictional account of my current struggles with tough financial times, ongoing problems of health, deep spiritual conflict, and a family tree aflame with depression.

I am a shell of my former self. I was a poor steward of my money when I had it. Depression is so clearly genetic. Especially when you examine my family tree. My health problems further deepens the depression. It's sad that I cannot receive herbs and accupunture without having a fat wallet. It's a shame that even spiritual instruction comes with a price.

I need help. Or I need awareness. I'm just tired, uninspired, beat up and desperate.

Mark, I need that Tonglen. I do.

Comments

On many levels I am becomming aware of the times I have fooled myself. As a person who has experienced hitting bottom,literally having nothing but the clothes on my back and a few tools,I know what it feels like to have that panicy feeling of helplessness. After a few years have gone by I still catch myself in the act of "creating" my reality even stretching the truth in order to maintain my illusions.
I have already begun the tonglen practice. Further, I know the truth about you, that all you could want to be you already are.

Metta
Mark
ghostie alix said…
you and me, both, sweetheart.
it tears me up every day imagining (how 'bout THAT shite) how my lil one will be affected by said genetic predisposition.

thank you ever so much for reminding me of tonglen. i have become so arrogant.

tao, i hope for you nothing but the best.
Loralee Choate said…
All I have is a hug and a smile, but you can have that, Tim.
capegirl!!! said…
d-a-n-g!TIM! what about how goddamn wonderful you are!??? sure you've got shit, but we all do. you ALSO have good things within..dark and light, man, dark and light! i love you tim!

HELLO!
Tim said…
Mark....Glad to have you in my corner...but ashamed that I need anyone in my corner....Yeah, I know. Learning humility is hard for a Leo....LOL
Alix....Life's a bitch sometimes, eh? But you arrogant? I am a card carrying memeber too!
Rubik..your hugs and smiles bring hugs and smiles. You're such a gift giver.
Capegirl??? I have wondering and worrying about you. Write me soon! Fill in the blanks. What is goin on??