1st post 2/27/2005.......not much has changed...except I've grown older and less wise. Many issues remain the same. Fallen off the cushion; weight gain still evident; still drink more than I care for; employed but at 60% less pay.....
I am still working on my book...however slow its progress.
There have been blips of spontaneous blog writing: started with a feather. A feather that rode the air until it landed at his feet. The gates of his repressed memories were in an instant unlocked and as quickly his mind was clear. Clear in a way he never thought possible. The soot of many emotional firestorms was wiped clean. Even the air smelled differently as if his senses were suddenly heightened. His vision, his hearing, everything changed at the drop of a feather.A large black crow sat alone, without sentry. He observed and gave an occasional nod of the head. The totem served to confirm that his awakening was not a dream but his birth as shaman.He stood and walked as the crow led, forever to wander and guide. Power of wisdom is but one side of the coin. To be cursed, the other. The lesson to be learned is to teach the coin to stand on end forever in balance.
There has been psychoanalysis:
Freud originally believed that the individual’s sense of self was developed in relation to the management of early instinctual drives, which Freud defined as libido. In the first six or so years of the child’s life, said Freud, these instinctual drives passed through three stages: oral, anal, and genital and although I prefer Jung to Freud, I cannot help but notice that I am an orally fixated person. To quote James Robbins, In terms of drive theory, this early loss is thought of as a fixation at the oral stage of development. Perhaps the depressive mother didn’t have enough energy to feed the child properly or attend to its other needs during the oral stage of libidinal development. Consequently, the depressive individual goes through life feeling somehow "hungry"—as if his or her life wasn’t properly nourishing. Not surprisingly, then, many depressive people eat, smoke or drink to lessen this pervasive oral longing. It is not uncommon, then, for depressive individuals to become overweight, develop eating disorders, or to develop substance abuse problems.All things considered, depressive people tend to be quite warm and amiable. McWilliams writes, "Unless they are so disturbed that they cannot function normally, most depressive people are easy to like and admire. Because they aim hatred and criticism inward rather than outward, they are usually generous, sensitive, and compassionate to a fault."......This oral longing has not been all that bad. Although I don't think that I fall into the catagory being overweight (still trying to lose 20 Lbs) or having substance abuse problems (many years ago I was a chronic and I do hit the scotch pretty hard as my search for employment is unfruitful) ((Denial??)) - I love long passionate kissess, the feel of her breast on my mouth, the taste of my tougue exploring my lover's body. I chew three packs of gum a week and cannot seem to lose my endearment for smoking a pipe. Sounds quite oral to me.My oral fixation leads me to aim too much criticism inward and it is crippling me. As I seek employment, the once bold, confident Leo appears brow beaten which further intensifies the cycle because I loathe my weakness.And yet...I know part of the solution yet I struggle to act. I must regain my meditation practice. I must hold forth the lessons of wu chi. Yet, I am almost unable. I am drowning and the whirlpool is tiring me out severely.
I've had periods of personal insight:
traditionally, when you train to fight right handers it throws you off when your opponent suddenly goes southpaw. To expect the unexpected is not wise and only makes for an underlying tension. Those that are aware of the changes in nature know that when the silver underside of the leaves on the tree show themselves, rain is approaching. When the spring peepers go suddenly silent, something is wandering close by.So, although it came as no surprise, the change walked forward as expected and stood there. Since the nature of change is to well, change, it was more than uncomfortable when it continued to loom as large as a mountain. Change can be as the minutes on a clock; the weather from day to day, or as the movement of a glacier. The rate of change may vary but change is constant.My practice has taught me to examine, to note, to withhold judgment as to whether it is good, bad or neutral. I have come to expect that the cycle of change is such that you can observe it. But what if it remains looming as a dark cloud, a relentless bully, frozen into position as if to pounce at any moment but refuses to do so?As one who has been told that death is imminent, I feel as though I have experienced four of the five stages of death and dying. I have heard that victory comes when one feels that there is nothing more to lose. Like finding when you stop looking.
...................But all of this has therapeutic for me AND I know, quite boring for all of you.
So perhaps it is time to be quiet until I have something to say.


Anonymous said…
not boring at all.
and certainly food for the starving brain.
keep on keeping on, tao.
it's all within you.
ghostie alix
capegirl said…
yes Tim, don't stop till you get enough...keep's a useful form of therapy you know, or it can be. I think many bloggers will agree with me on this. I enjoy all your posts.

p.s get a shoutbox!
Naiad said…
I like it more when you think out loud.