Intuition........

There was a time when I could trust my intuition.
When I was in my early thirties, making a go of things, chasing the American Dream, I was over exposed to isocyanates. This spiraled into poor health and disability. During some convalescence and bouts of coughing until blood appeared, my back muscles became quite atrophied. Quite disturbing, considering that I considered my strong back an asset, allowing me to grab a full grown man and lift him high above my head. As my back became weak and spasms grew into sciatica, I took pain medication and alcohol to help me continue through life. During a bout of alcohol and general screwing off during a camping trip, I round house kicked and felt my back muscles pull...taking my breath away. So....I took more pills, drank more alcohol and rode my bike, swam my ass off and raised holy camping hell. The next day I was unable to walk. The next ten days were spent in the hospital. The next year was spent in a back brace and with a cane. The second year enabled me to loose the brace but continue with the cane and many hours of therapy. I graduated to a t.e.n.s unit for another two years. I stacked wood to heat my home on my knees. I lost 85% of my income. The guy that could do 40 push ups and run three miles each morning turned into a beat up, pain med taking, half a man.
Physical therapy offered Feldenkrais therapy. I took it. Very helpful. The therapist, from Austrailia, introduced me to Taoist energy meditation. This also introduced me to accupuncture which helped me immensely. The idea of "Chi" or "Ki" in Taoist meditation and accupuncture opened a new reality to me. It also led me to explore Buddhism. Therevada, Zen, Vippasanna meditation.
My "practice"....sitting meditation, opened a world of insight. Part of this insight allowed me an uncanny sense of intuition. For those of you that are regular readers, or have been with me for awhile, know that I liken it to being able to read a track, smell what the wind carries, recognize the signs given in nature.
I'm not telling the future. I just "know" what is coming or what is in the wind. It has served me well. I have forseen many of the twists and turns of people, places and things and would often watch things evolve into what I have forseen.
But I am human. I am still about 20% disabled by pain and limitation. I used to keep my weight at the WBC light heavyweight range 168 - 175 Lbs but I climbed to cruiserweight and then to heavyweight. My layoff had my weight increase to 210 Lbs. Not that bad but with my limited mobility, I found myself diagnosed with Type II diabetes in 1998. What a fucking slap in the face. I am health conscious....doing the best that I can; this offends and embarrasses me. Since the diagnosis, along with daily pain, it has been a struggle to maintain what I know to be my proper weight and to get the amount of exercise I so desperately need. My lay off, my job loss, my demise of much needed income, was all forseen by me. I shared this with many who watched on in disbelief when it came to fruition. I was totally at peace when it happened and had full confidence in what the future held. But come about four or five months later, I began to loose "faith" and began to feel the kick in the balls of "no job-no money". So, not to digress, I lost time in meditation practice and along with it, my intuition. I found myself drinking more throughout the summer. I've meandered away from my path.
I received a call today about a job offer from a company that my intuition intuned that I would hear from about eleven months ago. Since I have not heard from them (until now...I had a 3 Hr interview today) I have lost "faith". In so many things...so many ways......
I know that I need to return to my practice........it is like plugging into the energy of the universe.....
Unfortunately, I focus and listen to the inferiors of my mind. I am so unhappy with so much....No shit!
Remember the first Noble Truth....

Comments

De.vile said…
I used to practice Vipassana, for sometime. My mom still does and I believe it would do you good if you did stay with it. I myself am unsure if I really want it.
Anonymous said…
i can only commisserate tao.
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