Ubi bene, ibi patria - Where you feel good, there is your home

Have you ever been so sick that the only thing you can do is endure? It has been my lot in life to experience this level of sickness and/or pain several times over. I've never recovered financially from the first go round. (19 Yrs ago) It took a very long time to come to a place where my immunity was high enough that I didn't get every little bug that was passing by. It took a long time to get me to a place of little pain medication.
I used to joke, "Pain is my friend. Pain is my teacher." In truth, it wasn't a joke but my Mantra. I learned a great deal about the mind, stress, conditioning. I learned about how people can have a "pay off" when it comes to being sick. I have discovered how someone can work somewhere in quiet desperation and get injured on the job, only to subconsciously welcome it, not knowing that it can set up a dangerous pattern that can lengthen and prolong the injury. At times it can worsen it.
For the last several days I have been very sick and in a high degree of pain. I've observed the functions and responses of my mind. It is easy to listen to what the teachings of the I Ching would refer to as, "the inferiors" and not address the issues at hand. I heard the chatter in my mind attempt to increase my stress (which in turn increases the sickness and pain) when I watched a program on t.v. It seems that this guy was in pain, had asthma, diabetes, and weighed in at close to 400 lbs. So he had his stomach stapled. Truth is, I felt that I could relate to his story but I am at 210 lbs. I know that at 178 - 186 I am at the perfect weight. Medications are reduced or eliminated. I feel so much better. The I ching also counsels against making comparrisons and teaches self responsibility. How stupid to obsess about how much I weigh; about 200lbs less than this dude. Who cares? It is up to me to be responsible for me.
Well, at the start of the summer solstice, it is time to mark the calander. My life, my health depends on it. Lying on the living room floor in an attempt to breathe through a long and painful night can be a friend.

Comments

justrose said…
I hope you are feeling better. I have been that sick many times. There is a book by Susan Sontag called Illness as Metaphor and a book called The Alchemy of Illness by Kat Duff, both of which I read when I was really sick and they opened a window. Some of the relevations were similar to what you describe here.
Lost said…
I know how much it sucks to be sick.

I hope you feel better soon, Tim.
alix said…
ah, tim. sending you healing energy...
your observations are so interesting, as is this journey. i love buddhism, yet i am so bad at it. LOL
Rowan said…
Hope you feel better soon! *hugs*
Tim said…
Thanks...feeling better....cough, cough,cough.......