Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are

I'm reading a very interesting and informative book that my acupuncturist thought I should borrow. Byron Katie is best know for "The Work" a series of steps and questioning used to confront the stories that we tell and define ourselves by. This particular book uses the backdrop of the Tao Te Ching. While offering insight on "The Work", we learn to question the stories we tell ourselves that lead us away from a state of mindfulness and to that of following that untamed elephant that we call our mind.
An example of how "The Work" would have me tackle my story head on might unfold as something like this:
The Judge your Neighbor Worksheet
1) Who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why? What is it about them that you don't like? 
I am so pissed off at my ex and how she has managed to play the victim through our ongoing divorce process. She's stubborn, manipulative and hard. She is unwilling and unable to take any responsibility for what she has done, for what she has destroyed and for what she has lost.
2) How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want her to realize that she has done this. That she has been abusive, unreasonable and unfair. That she has been so unreasonable and choking in her demands, wishes and needs, that she was killing me!
3) What is it that she should or should not do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?
She should release her anger. She should stop drinking. She should realize that honey always works better than demands.
4) Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?
I want a real apology. From the heart. I want her to be happy and healthy and whole. Only she can do that for herself. It is not my responsibility. I need her to realize that.
5) What do you think of them? Make a list.
She manipulates everything and everyone around her in an effort to feel safe. She is a high conflict-no resolution type of person. No one close to her can ever win or compromise in a disagreement with her. It is her view. Her opinion. Her needs.
6) What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?
I don't  ever want to engage in another drawn out - pretzel logic, high conflict-no resolution discussion, argument or conversation with her again.

Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turn Around
1) Is it true?
2) Can you absolutly know it's true?
3) How do you react when you believe that thought?
4) Who would you be without the thought?
and - Turn It Around.................... So I guess that it would go something like this:

1)Yes, it is true. I firmly believe that she is suffering from a personality disorder. There exists a long list of people that she has alienated and exhausted throughout her life. It just took over thirty years for me to get there.
2) It is. It truly is. The evidence is in. It is not in me to review this again right here and right now.
3) I am sad. Sometimes angry. But perhaps I should be content in knowing that I hung in there the longest. I did my best.
4) I would feel free from regret and I could move on with my life.

Turn It Around

To do the turn around - rewrite your statement. Write it as though it was being written about you............

I am so pissed off and play the victim through the ongoing divorce process. I'm stubborn, manipulative and hard. I am unwilling and unable to take any responsibility for what I have done, for what I have destroyed and for what I have lost. I want me to realize that I have done this. I have been abusive, unreasonable and unfair. I have been so unreasonable and choking in my demands, wishes and needs, that I was killing me! I should release my anger and stop drinking. I should realize that honey always works better than demands. I need make a real apology. From the heart. I want me to be happy and healthy and whole. Only I can do that for myself. It is not her responsibility. I need to realize that.

I manipulate everything and everyone around me in an effort to feel safe. I am a high conflict-no resolution type of person. No one close to me can ever win or compromise in a disagreement with me. It is my view. My opinion. My needs. I don't  ever want to engage in another drawn out - pretzel logic, high conflict-no resolution discussion, argument or conversation with me again. 

Now, I'm not dismissing "The Work" in any way. However methinks that I'm missing something here. I'm reminded of the guy who mistakenly read an in depth analysis of his birth sign all the while nodding his head in agreement over this and that only to discover that he read that of Scorpio and not Libra, Leo, or whatever. Of course I can see myself in portions of "Turn It Around".
It is so easy to project one's thoughts into anything. Like pissing off a bridge; you're bound to hit something!


I think I'll just go meditate.

Comments

Rick said…
Let go of her.
baroness radon said…
Rick is right, but I think something like this takes some time. It's a little like mourning.

Not that I know a damn thing about your situation...
Tao1776 said…
Rick - Gah! I married when I was twenty three, had four kids, and I'll be fifty seven in a few weeks. It's a lot of dust to shake off! And as the baroness says, it will take time; and it is mourning... what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?