Too much Saturn and not enough Moon

Okay. I admit it. I'm clinically depressed. I won't blame it all on the bio-chemical notion of things. Much of it is situational. But the guilt, the blame. I can't help but feel the loser. I can't provide. I cannot lead. I suck as a husband, father or friend.

Marginally successful in some things and major suckville in others. I feel my depression and my inability to act like a weight on my soul.

Yes, the big "S" word has entered my thoughts.

Fucking dolt!

I have a hard time being thankful and I can only focus on the negatives; which are too many to name.

Perhaps this IS the beginning of wisdom because I give up.

Like a few of you, I post as a way to reach out to others. To perhaps feel something good. To learn. To have fellowship. To inspire and to be inspired and to share.

I cease because I am not.
I have had some good friendships.


Bert said…
hmm, way too long since my last visit here!

Tim! How come this is the first thing I have to read about you since all this time?

I can't believe that you're not the husband your wife wants you to be or the father your children want you to be! I've been a visitor since quite some time now and I've always been inspired by what you were telling/writing.

You've always been inspiring to youngsters like me, people who depend on your generation to become more into this world.
So yes, there are others who enjoy who and what you are, even far away and occasional visitors like myself!

Hope your back in the sadle real soon!
Michelle said…
hello love. millions of people suffer depression and it's no lie that it's not a cakewalk if you're genetically sensitive that way or sensitised by way of conditioning or both.

possibly you'll always be vulnerable, so take the best care of yourself that you can-epescially the old blood sugar. the blood sugar will make you the big ol bad crazy.

but you know, just because you have such issues doesn't make you null and void or mean you bring nothing to the party. au contraire, such sensitivity makes you extremely gifted in certain areas and i luvs you no matter what your head feels like! :) yup!
Traveller said…
Nicholodeon said…
Well, old bean, keep on slogging it out, one step at a time. You aren't alone in this struggle.

And when I am in a depression, nothing anyone says seems to have an effect. If I can just drag myself out and do some walking, eventually the endorphins start to do their thing.

My synapses misfire, and not much a man can do about that...thank God the meds work.

I once thought suicide was an option for me, but no longer.
Jess said…
tim, damn you!!

your words have meant a lot to me.

when you come back...i'll read again.

did you know saturn has something like 60 moons? of course you do. you are a smart muthafucka.

come visit our new blog. :) you can get there from the old one. then you'll wanna bookmark it forever and ever.


Learned a long time ago when I wanted to off myself, that dying is easy, living takes some guts.
You got it in you man.
I love you