Strengths (and weaknesses...)

I am a very good manager. I have had very measurable success working within the field of Vocational Rehab as a Job Coach and as a Case Manager with people who suffer with having Schizophrenic disorders. I have the ability (especially when meditating regularly) to balance group dynamics into a balance whole so that those that I am responsible for feel valued, challenged and bigger than the mundane task of working for a living. I have counseled well.
If only I could listen (and hear) myself.
When I lost my job as a Branch Manager of a plant that manufactured water-based printing inks, I was confident of finding another high paying position. I had the plant running like a fine oiled machine. Sales were down and downsizing was corporates answer. I disagreed. You are not supposed to see the salesmen as often as you see your own wife. That was the issue. But they were out of the reach of my authority. So, here we all were. The only ones left holding their jobs were the ones responsible for our demise!
It has been a slow unwinding for me.
My practice (meditation) has faded.
I drink too much.
I am depressed.
I work at a job that I believed was temporary at 62% less money.
I feel as though I have zero value and am easily dismissed by everyone as they too realize my lack of worth.
I focus too much on my internal inferiors that clamour and sing the song of "He's a loser."

- You know, to the point that you cannot stand yourself......

My blog has become such a drag. I stalled halfway through my book because I was going Hemingway. WTF!!!!

I need a mentor, a teacher, a guide...perhaps a life coach; cuz I am fucking things up royally. I need to slap my perspective like a roulette wheel until it comes up all winning numbers.

Rest? Flow? Be still?

Nah!

Comments

Loralee Choate said…
I just keep hoping that you find a position that restores your self-confidence. You have had quite the bitch-slapping the last couple of years. You need a big change somehow. I'm just not sure how or what.

Therein lies the rub, dammit.
Jess said…
huh...

the chapter i am on right now has some parallel similarities.

i think it's the fuckits. then again, i am not sure.

now where did i set my beer?
capegirl said…
we all get stuck in grieving. perhaps the answer is taking positive action. i'm all for taking action. do something to raise your self-esteem. a good way is to really take care of yourself. meditate every day, excercise to get the endorphins going, watch your diet, get enough sleep. don't dwell on what you can't change but on what you CAN do. and then do it. and do some stuff for those even less fortunate. you've more power than you may realise at this point..while in the mindtrap..it's just feelings and they ain't always reality. depending on how you're feeling this post may well piss you off...feel free to come after me if you want :)love ya babe.
xxx
Tim said…
Rubik - In truth, it has not been the bitch-slapping from the external but the bitch-slapping from the internal that has diminished any confidence or faith that I once had. Only I can change things.
Jess - misery loves company. C'mon over!
Cape - You piss me off? Never. My heart is still yours.
The Phoenix said…
Just as you can be your own worst enemy, you can also be your own savior.
Mystic Wing said…
Patience, friend. The good times in our lives did not last forever, therefore it's only reasonable to assume the bad times will fade as well.

Perhaps this simpler life has merits you haven't yet realized.

Keep writing. We'll keep listening, and offer whatever help we can.