The icicle that hung from the south western corner of the roof was slowly melting. The repetitious drip, drip, drip, tapped away upon the upturned wheelbarrow. Birds were gathering in the row of scrub pine making all the sounds of spring. Temperatures were closing in on sixty five degrees.


Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter...and Spring again.


The movement of the gathering birds reflect the flurry of activity that occupies my mind. And as I attach myself to these thoughts I am ever sinking lower and lower into despair.


Its quite simple. Yet I turn away. Having experienced the freedom of watching thoughts arise and pass away, just as the seasons rise from vernal equinox to autumnal equinox and back again, my despair acts as a pair of heavy boots making progress in any direction cumbersome.
I am depressed. A concoction made with one portion of situational depression, a shot (or two) of genetic depression, a splash of hormonal depression (compliments of diabetes) makes for one dull boy.
Applying the salve of compassion is helpful but the jar is dry. Self loathing begins to raise it's ugly head. You begin to believe that the little foxes will spoil the vine.
My apologies.
"It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of person doesn't want apologies and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them."
So be it!

Comments

Brendan said…
The years I lived in Seattle, I always felt a little like this by the time March rolled around. Seven months of drizzle and not enough play can do that to a person.
Jess said…
i love the way you write. very descriptive...in a way where i feel anyone could relate. you pull the reader into your moment, your thought, whatever.

i'm working on being as articulate.

xxoo
Mystic Wing said…
You have my sympathies, though you didn't ask for them.

As an obviously skilled meditator, you know how to be present for your depression without being defined by it. More than half the battle won, in my experience.

My depression tend to lift when I've absorbed what I need from them. Chemistry also helps sometimes.
Nicholodeon said…
Very powerful.

The diabetic thing I understand, since I have this disease, and sometimes feel entirely at the mercy of my moods. All diabetics I know share the same experience.

Sugar, low sugar, high sugar...no wonder depression figures in our state of being.

I like what 'mystic wing' says...welcome the feeling and make it part of oneself.

Thanks for a wonderful piece of writing.
Loralee Choate said…
I always apologize for myself. It's a flaw, sorry.

See?
Michelle said…
i,ve decided not to apologise for my humanity anymore. not for one more minute. make sure to eat the right things tim. food is medicine to a very great extent. please take care of yourself, love!
Tim said…
Brendan...yeah, the last few weeks of the dark time can seem like an eternity...
Jess...Your xxoo means much to me.
MW...always a pleasure to hear your words of insight
nich - great to hear from you again
Rubik....sigh
Mich.....I miss you