Clearly, its a process.....

I've amassed over thirty years of "stuff"while living with my wife and it was all whisked away over the past few weeks. Every bit of it. The home is left in shambles. Dirty, broken and beat down. No heat. Ice had formed in the kitchen sink. No pictures. No curtains. No furniture. No remnants of what there once was. Only filth, dirt, emptiness.
How appropriate.
In the past six months, I have refused to sign any order of restraint and for two reasons. 1) To give my wife an opportunity to make amends; to reach back towards me in a non-controlling, punishing way. 2) My adult daughters did not want to be in the position of having to take her in and asked that I allow her to remain at home. The court finally issued one on their own after her second arrest; an order of "No Contact" - allowing me to be well within my rights to return home and have her vacate the premises. But I stayed away to give her time to move into her new apartment. You know, the apartment that she's been threatening to move into since last September? February 1st became the 6th....and the 6th became the...and I was patient. She moved last weekend.
But of course I was patient; for as it is seen from the outside, she is being forced to leave the house that she has loved and it is all because I have found someone else!
So of course, she is well within her rights to pick the house as clean as a carcass found on the African plains. To quote one of our four adult children, "You did all this"!!
And yet, I remain patient and understanding. This has been hard on everyone. But my patience is waning fast. When this spider returns to bite you, and it will, as it has done in the past, who will you run to?
The house that she loved?
I did all this?
How do you say, Clue Less?? But that is just not true. I know it. They know it. And I'm sick of trying to defend myself.
Over the years I would occasionally find myself being accosted because of what her mother said some 30 plus years ago. "......., if you ever get divorced, it will be all your fault"! And although I believe that it always does take two...I have to agree with her mother.
It's all your fault!


Rowan Mayfaire said…

I don't know what to say, it's clear I have abandoned you when you needed a friendly ear most, and I hate that. I have been there myself too many times to count, not in your exact situation obviously, but finding my friends living life while I am trying to deal with it. I don't know what to say except that I am sorry, for not visiting this space in so long, for being so self-centered that I just assume my friends are all right, and mostly i'm sorry that things have been so rough for you.

On a more positive note, your writing style has changed over the last while, and it is powerfully good. I was once told by an instructor a couple of years ago: don't write what you know, write what you are passionate about. You have taht covered.

It must hurt so very much to see your glorious home, that should be the envy ofanyone who sees it in such a state. I can only pray with you that it be filled with possessions and life and love again soon. it can only get better from there.

I know your life right now is in such turmoil, but I like to think that means that some form of resolution is on it's way -- good or bad, it's better than limbo. I get the impresion you are feeling that that's where you've been for a long time.

love much from across the border. I hope life gets easier in the coming spring.