You see, things have progressed, perhaps, I thought, they are Karma fulfilled. To the point that I find that I can hardly breathe. And I think, "I do not deserve it". But in trying to understand personal Karma, I began to think that maybe I do.
I have seen family and other such relationships spin outwards until in their momentum they whirl off into outer space; outside of my grasp - even if I indeed did wish for their return. I really don't know how I could have done things differently. I have tried to do the best that I could. The best that I know how. Much of that has been documented here.
This week, a person very close to me tried to commit suicide. I'm not sure what to do with that. I have no one to talk to. No real close friends. No analyst's analyst. I am not sure about what I feel. Anger one day, desperation the next.
In an unrelated event, my youngest son, in a drunken fit tried to engage me into a physical confrontation while I did everything possible to have him disengage. He did, thankfully, but things are different now. Shifted. His drunken accusation of "not being respected" (totally out of context in that moment) had me pleading with him to go away and cool off. I really did not want the task of taking him down. It would have been quick, and brutal. I really, really would not have liked that. Although bent, in pain and mildly fragile, I can still pull the plug. It sickens me. I abhor violence but know it intimately.
My oldest daughter and my granddaughter moved out. Very good terms, very supported. It IS a good thing. But I miss them.
My youngest daughter is trying to ease out of being a child and into an independent person. This has been a psychological travail. You know, bite (and bite hard the proverbial hand that feeds you) until they force you to leave the nest. Why do things have to be so hard! I find myself (see last post) longing for those days of youth and no responsibility.
I use this Blog to vent. Not to enlighten you with Taoist parables and insights. These last few years have been a labor; hopefully leading to new birth. Do I have something to teach you? Maybe to extend grace and compassion to those around you. Because you don't know what they're up against.
And I can't blame my self. That leads nowhere. As stated by Michael J. Formica on the blogs of Psychology Today;
What karma is truly about is accountability, responsibility, and consequences. How does this translate into our day-to-day lives, without being some kind of esoteric Zen-based philosophical conundrum? It translates into this -- there are no bad decisions.
What in the world do I mean, there are no bad decisions? Exactly that -- there are no bad decisions --- there are only consequences to our decisions. Let me give the example I use when I work with alcoholics and addicts, to help illustrate this notion. I find this concept of no bad decisions helpful for those trying to reshape their day-to-day thinking and it goes something like this:
When you get in your car and leave work, turning left to go to the liquor store instead of turning right to go home, you haven't made a bad decision...when you walk into the liquor store, you haven't made a bad decision...when you buy a bottle, you haven't made a bad decision...when you bring the bottle home, you haven't made a bad decision...when you open the bottle and pour yourself a glass of whatever, you haven't made a bad decision...when you raise the glass and drink, you still have not made a bad decision...
What you have done is potentially engender consequences for which you need to be responsible and ultimately accountable. That's karma, plain and simple. Here, we get back to the notion of action -- not good or bad or anything else. Working out our karma means taking responsibility for the choices that we make and being accountable to those choices because every choice has a consequence.
So for what am I to take responsibility for?
Methinks that the answer lies with the question.
This one thing that I do know, I am an ungrateful sonavabitch and I need to work on that. Being thankful for that which I am blessed with, I need to stop bemoaning that which I find myself unhappy with. Simple, right?