Karma, intention, the blog entitled "The Reluctant Curmudgeon

The sum total of This Being Human could easily lead me to change my blogs title to "The Reluctant Curmudgeon".
You see, things have progressed, perhaps, I thought, they are Karma fulfilled. To the point that I find that I can hardly breathe. And I think, "I do not deserve it". But in trying to understand personal Karma, I began to think that maybe I do.
I have seen family and other such relationships spin outwards until in their momentum they whirl off into outer space; outside of my grasp - even if I indeed did wish for their return. I really don't know how I could have done things differently. I have tried to do the best that I could. The best that I know how. Much of that has been documented here.
This week, a person very close to me tried to commit suicide. I'm not sure what to do with that. I have no one to talk to. No real close friends. No analyst's analyst. I am not sure about what I feel. Anger one day, desperation the next.
In an unrelated event, my youngest son, in a drunken fit tried to engage me into a physical confrontation while I did everything possible to have him disengage. He did, thankfully, but things are different now. Shifted. His drunken accusation of "not being respected" (totally out of context in that moment) had me pleading with him to go away and cool off. I really did not want the task of taking him down. It would have been quick, and brutal. I really, really would not have liked that. Although bent, in pain and mildly fragile, I can still pull the plug. It sickens me. I abhor violence but know it intimately.
My oldest daughter and my granddaughter moved out. Very good terms, very supported. It IS a good thing. But I miss them.
My youngest daughter is trying to ease out of being a child and into an independent person. This has been a psychological travail. You know, bite (and bite hard the proverbial hand that feeds you) until they force you to leave the nest. Why do things have to be so hard! I find myself (see last post) longing for those days of youth and no responsibility.
I use this Blog to vent. Not to enlighten you with Taoist parables and insights. These last few years have been a labor; hopefully leading to new birth. Do I have something to teach you? Maybe to extend grace and compassion to those around you. Because you don't know what they're up against.
I'm tired.
And I can't blame my self. That leads nowhere. As stated by Michael J. Formica on the blogs of Psychology Today;

What karma is truly about is accountability, responsibility, and consequences. How does this translate into our day-to-day lives, without being some kind of esoteric Zen-based philosophical conundrum? It translates into this -- there are no bad decisions.

What in the world do I mean, there are no bad decisions? Exactly that -- there are no bad decisions --- there are only consequences to our decisions. Let me give the example I use when I work with alcoholics and addicts, to help illustrate this notion. I find this concept of no bad decisions helpful for those trying to reshape their day-to-day thinking and it goes something like this:

When you get in your car and leave work, turning left to go to the liquor store instead of turning right to go home, you haven't made a bad decision...when you walk into the liquor store, you haven't made a bad decision...when you buy a bottle, you haven't made a bad decision...when you bring the bottle home, you haven't made a bad decision...when you open the bottle and pour yourself a glass of whatever, you haven't made a bad decision...when you raise the glass and drink, you still have not made a bad decision...

What you have done is potentially engender consequences for which you need to be responsible and ultimately accountable. That's karma, plain and simple. Here, we get back to the notion of action -- not good or bad or anything else. Working out our karma means taking responsibility for the choices that we make and being accountable to those choices because every choice has a consequence.

So for what am I to take responsibility for?

Methinks that the answer lies with the question.

This one thing that I do know, I am an ungrateful sonavabitch and I need to work on that. Being thankful for that which I am blessed with, I need to stop bemoaning that which I find myself unhappy with. Simple, right?


Merelyme said…
No...it isn't simple. You are not ungrateful in my opinion...you are just human and needing and wanting to talk about your personal challenges. Nothing wrong with that. You spoke about helping someone who wanted to commit suicide. I have been on both ends of the spectrum. I actually just wrote a post about this topic. I don't know if it would help at all but I would be most honored if you would read it.


Keep writing...I am listening.
Anonymous said…
Interesting choice of titles. It so happens I began a journal on AOL a few years ago with that same title: http://journals.aol.com/white1943/TheReluctantCurmudgeon/

As I recall, I subtitled it "lamentations on the loss of grace, common courtesy, and common sense" (or something similar). I found your site when I searched for my old one. It appears that we have that one thing in common, perhaps more. Good luck.
Tim said…
merelyme....You have been a constant reminder to me that I have nothing to really bitch about....But, I continue to do so. No matter how bad we have it, there is someone out there that has it worse than me and you. I loathe my self pitying bitching. I really do. I'd love to have a cup of tea with you and discuss the finer points of life.
Anon- What can I say....
i stumbled upon your blog purely by accident. as to your question ~ no ... nuthin is ever simple, really.

kharma, i think, is the sum total of all action ~ others, not just our own. that's a fancy way of saying bad things happen to good people. i like the way you have described it here ...

as for how to handle suicide ~ i have been the person, who finds a loved one who has tried to end his/her life, and i have been the one who has wanted to die. your feelings are normal.