Seasons will pass you by...I get up; I get down

I'm tired. Stressed. Angry. The dog's on the couch licking his rectum. I'm feeling like if I owned a gun, I'd splatter his hide all over the wall. My blood sugar is running high from the agitation. Not to mention the lack of exercise that descends with each winter's lack of light.
My head is spinning. Blame. Guilt?
My oldest daughter bought a car that I saw in the paper. I didn't have time to look at it with her. I had her ask her brother to go with her. He never got out of the car. He's not to blame. Doesn't know much about cars. Not sure if I'm to blame for that or not. She bought the car. Two days later the brake line sprung a leak. Closer inspection reveal the need for all new lines. KA-Ching! Then her engine blows a head gasket. Replacement should include not only the gasket, but the timing chain and the water pump since you're in there. It is a sweet looking (if that's possible) 1995 Neon. It will need at least a $1,000 to repair everything. No one has that kind of money. No one has the money that it would cost to tow it to the garage.
And I feel helpless.
I don't like it.
This is my daughter.
But everything will be alright. We know that.
But this is what I feel right now. A storm. It will pass.
And I am glad in that!


"James" said…
It's good to vent my friend. No point in denying how you feel. I think it's healthy to express it and get it out.

That being said I am glad to hear you find hope and positive energy that is ours with meditating upon impermanence.

I hope things improve for you and your family. Hang in there...I'm thinking about ya!!
rowan said…
I'm glad to see I don't have to start reading the headline: Man Kills Best Friend After Car Crisis!"

Love it that you know this too shall pass. Still, I comiserate with your daughter, our van has cost about 3500+ in repairs since buying it. It's a 96 windstar. I have been worrying over the liklihood of having to replace the head gasket, the "lemon" of the car apparently after the fact online research. Oh boy!
Loralee Choate said…
Remember when both my cars died on the same day of the same thing? Yup. It was the head gaskets.

I needed a reason to be thankful for the station wagon I have to drive until we can save enough for a new car.

Big hugs, my lovely friend.

Tell your doggie licking rectums really doesn't work out so well a lot of the time...

capegirl said…
how are you feeling now? just keep doing what is to your benefit tim. take care of you and in so doing - your family. hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs~and sure sometimes we just need a good old vent!
Brendan said…
I hate car trouble, too. I feel your pain. I once had to park my 1980 Chevy Monza on a hill for a whole month and pop start it several times a day while I saved up for a new starter motor.

It was not as "sweet" looking as your daughter's Neon I suspect either. Though it would make a great name for a Japanese monster movie: "Look out! Monza is attacking the city!"
Mystic Wing said…
I think it's a perfectly valid spiritual position to acknowledge that sometimes things just suck.

Keep your heads up. It will get better.
Jess said…
damn it all. i look at my dog and feel the same way sometimes.

my dad often feels responsible for bad things that happen to me, too. you can't beat yourself up over this.

i am annoyed with you, if that means anything.

Everything is going to hell, and a dog just relaxes on the couch licking his ass or balls--how I envy our K-9 companions!
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