Driven by Angst...

   The day is young and the sun is slowly burning off the haze that captured the morning sky. I can feel it. It's going to be a beautiful day.
Mourning Doves are mating on the neighbor's rooftop. Barking dogs dot the neighborhood as people stroll the crumbling sidewalk walking to and fro the center of our small downtown. Seven chickens line the birch tree perch and watch the remainder scratch and peck below.
It is almost idyllic save for the ever increasing traffic outside my door. I haven't written a thing for some time now. Nor do I feel compelled to meditate. Riding my bicycle came to a temporary halt over some minor health concerns and now that I am cleared to ride no push is on for me to do so.
   Like the Honey Badger, "I don't give a shit."
   I've become aware of the absence of angst that once filled my sails. Similar to noticing that something has changed but you can't seem to put your finger on it. Like a building that was torn down when you were away. You know main street is different but it's not until someone points it out before you can say, "Aha! I knew some thing was different!" Or like the guy who shaves off his mustache. You notice but you don't really notice until someone finally says, "Hey! You see that Mark shaved off his mustache?"
   Angst has driven me onward for many years compelling me to find solace, expression, enlightenment or escape. Like a ship with dropped anchor and damaged sails, angst is the wind that locates the stranded with promises of an S.O.S. that never appears. A fervent push to do something other than what you find yourself doing.
   Angst is dressed in finery and exhibits superb manners and the gift of rhetoric. Entering Angst's court  finds you driven to exercise until injured. You will meditate for enlightenment, write blogs, books and stories while reading every thought and opinion that a mind can hold.
   I am recently Reminded of the wisdom of the overflowing cup wherein no wisdom can enter until the cup is emptied.
   The result of my divorce and the assistance of many friends finds me noticing that my drive, my angst, has lost it's foothold. The merry-go-round has stopped. I can stay on, or not, or I can play on any ride that I choose. I could also just lie on the grass and watch everyone else.
No agenda. Being captured by the momentum of habit or conditioning has ceased.
It's not scary but it is weird.

It seems as the whole of the spectrum of light is now open to me.
In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities. In the experts's mind there are few.

The harvest has been good and the production of laying eggs is on the increase with the abundance of having new birds brought in this spring.
And it's an election year to boot. So much to froth over!
But really.....


baroness radon said…
Good for you!