Dreams of you..

I was on the inside looking out. What others saw they in all politeness kept to themselves. I like everything there is about the institution of marriage. A commitment of love between two people who pledge to stand by each other through the good times and bad.
It's like the song says, "What's wrong with peace, love and understanding?"
And then suddenly you realize that you're one in a pack of lemmings running off the edge of a cliff into the sea.
How did I get here?
For the past few weeks I've been having ex-wife nightmares. She is back! Assuming control while I seek to keep the peace until I at long last explode.
It is more traumatic than it sounds.
Coping with my divorce was made all the more difficult due to the level of grief that I carried for the two of us. Her demands, her anger, her manipulation was cute when we were twenty. I would go about crying for her and her suffering, knowing that she was destroying us. As her mother said over thirty years ago; "Xxxxx! If you and T ever get a divorce, it will be all your fault!" I grieved over the fact that I could not open her eyes to herself. Friends and family long gone, no one would stand up to her. They would just avoid her.
But, "I" was married to her.
When things really fell apart after a failed suicide attempt(?) she continued to cut and was finally arrested (Twice). I felt badly more for her than me. She took no responsibility and blamed whomever.
And I think that this is where the dreams come in.
 Me and my youngest daughter were "porch sitting" a few weeks back when she told a story that I had mostly put to bed. She told me of a conversation that her mother had with her when our expectations were challenged and teaching and discipline was in order.
Her mother took the time to slowly peel off my daughter's skin by using the sharpest and cruelest of  objects.
Her tongue.
That night, the dreams began. Why would anyone put up with the kind of behavior? When we first began to argue about whether our marriage of 33 yrs should come to an end, her mask was ripped off and the mirage was wiped away. I argued that she should actually be quite proud of me! After all, as she always said, "Why would you want to associate with people who acted like that?"
The dreams I suggest are a signal that the trauma still runs deep. I know it does. I still find myself continually projecting many of her behaviors upon Gaia Girl: and that is so unfair to her as she is truly the antithesis of the ex-wife.  A dog often kicked never forgets.
But I have to tell you that I've never been happier. With ten thousand loose ends, finances and debt, selling the home and finding a place to live - it's all good.
Well, I'm off soon to pick up my son in law who is coming home on leave from Afghanistan. His third deployment and only a few more months to go. Another year and they'll be making babies.
I look forward to that...