You can live a lie until you die

"The strongest and most effective force in guaranteeing the long-term maintenance of power

is not violence in all the forms deployed by the dominant to control the dominated,

but consent in all the forms in which the dominated acquiesce in their own domination."

I used to get angry and drive off in my car alone, often finding solace at the home of a friend, or the wooded view by a lake or by sitting upon a stool bellied up to the bar. I would argue and defend myself until I realized that the source of discontent and anger was not about one being right with the other being wrong; it is about power and insecurity. The fragile and insecure seeking a guarantee that their emotional waters would seldom be troubled. The demanding of a promise as great as that "the sun rises and sets upon the earth day after day" - the irrefutable law of constancy. I too must strive for this level of promise.
"It's all right. Everything is going to be all right".
But this is the way of God and that of nature. When my best fails I am reminded of my mortality, my frailty, my humanness.
"Suck it up. Straighten yourself out".
All change begins within me.
"Its all right. It's going to be all right".

I used to go limber and numb as I ceased to kick against the pricks. I read and I studied and I sat for hours in meditation. I cannot change others, I can only change myself. Complacency and resignation replaced personal need and desire. Love is built upon the foundation of self sacrifice and subjugation, is it not? The line between victim and martyr is shifting, blurry, a jagged pathway. I am so confused.

I used to avoid people, places and situations whereby I might be reminded of my differences. I was on a "tight leash". My spouse was "high maintenance". We were "different" from everyone else, often signifying that we were in some way better than other couples. We were best friends and had a great marriage. I felt alone, stifled and empty.

"Get over yourself".

Scotch can be a man's best friend.

A suicide attempt, not my own, yet I am blamed as I did not, "have her back". Cutting. Drunkenness. Control.

"For better or worse".

Taking responsibility for your own happiness sometimes means that you must ask the painful questions, make the hard moves, the difficult decisions. I did. Then I shut down. Emotionally drained, battered, tired, I found myself emotionally catatonic. Speechless.

"Pitiful. Weak. Coward. Martyr".

"Get over yourself. You're punishing me".

"I'm moving out".

Destroy, break, argue.

"I'm going to kill myself. Then you'll be sorry".

Break. Smash, cut. Kick, punch, threaten. Name call.

Arrest.

"You fucking loser. Pussy. You make me sick".

Tires slashed. Computer smashed with an axe. Room ransacked. Door barricaded at night.

Thirty three years of marriage. Twenty nine years in the same house. How ever did I get here and to this point? And where do I go from here?

Battle lines are drawn. Violence continues in the most subtle of ways. And I realize that I have immense power. The power to end all talk of divorce, to keep the household intact. To "go back to the way things were". To do this would require complete self sacrifice and surrender and full acceptance of punishment in all its myriad forms.

And I fall back onto the quotes of others.

"Just say no".

Nancy Reagan