Looking for Light

I have been either blessed or cursed with the burden of being a very serious and sensitive man. It has created a state of being whereby I always second guess whether or not I am making the "right" decision. Even when outside observers state that it is obvious to them, I wallow in a sea of vacillation; usually due to conditioning and fear. I have been experiencing waves of just wanting to hide under a rock.
After 35 yrs with the same woman and 33 years of that time being in marriage, I feel it disingenuous of me to continue on. I endure, out of wanting to take care of her; a woman that is controlling, who suffers from abandonment issues, who drinks too much, who is a mixture of charming/victim/annoying...and in an effort to control my keeping her at arm's length while I figure out what to do, she has broken objects, cut things, and has made a laundry list of threats; she has packed and threatened to move, has threatened suicide, has begged, cried and kicked and hit me and pulled off a third of my beard from off my face. After a cup split my head, I dialed 911 and had her arrested for domestic assault. (this was hours after I had eye surgery) She was bailed and was brought to the nearby home of my daughter, She refused to stay put and came home to continue. Her words, as soon as she came in the door were, "You are going to burn in hell" and she proceeded to open a beer. To avoid further confrontation, I slept at my daughters. I have bopped about since. She held thanksgiving with the expectation that I should "suck it up" like she has had to "suck it up" with my ignoring her and attend Thanksgiving dinner.
I did not.
Her arraignment date is scheduled for next Tuesday and I want to go home. Not to return to verbal and physical abuse. Not to worry and fear. To MY house and home. I am anxious, afraid and confused. Like a dog that knows no other master I want to lie at her feet because it is all that I know: even if it means that I will continue to be kicked and chained out all day. She is still calling for me to, "Come"!
And to believe that my return (to her) might even be a slight possibility reminds of that commercial where a patient is being counseled by a former drill instructor who tells the patient, "Well, maybe we should head over to namby pamby land and get you a little self confidence"!
Whatever... Regardless.....I am thankful and hope that you had a good thanksgiving...

Imagine there's no drama,

its easy if you try.

No mountains

made of mole hills,

no one to 

make you cry...

You may say that

there is no other way,

you signed up for

the long term,

so just buck up boy!

But I have to believe

that this is not the way,

to bear the burdens,

through a weary day.

So, imagine here with me,

prayers at your side,

days of joy and comfort,

peace is my abide...

The Oddity of the Winter Season.

"That is another of your odd notions," said the Prefect,

 who had a fashion of calling every thing "odd" 

that was beyond his comprehension, 

and thus lived amid 

an absolute legion of "oddities."  

E.A. Poe

 When the air is thick with the threat of snow, when the cold air stands crisp as opposed to being frigid, I  wittiness the wood smoke rise from the chimney and hearth to ride the night air like children on the family toboggan. The sight and the smell of wood smoke playing in the night air serves to remind me that the season contains within it the seeds of play, of warmth, and a time of revelry. 
 Hhibernation is not our calling. 
 The pines stand tall stabbing at the night sky acting as sentries standing watch; looking for that first blanket of snow. In unison they will catch the falling snow only to later gently lower their limbs and allow the snow to become rightfully possessed by the earth. Only a brief interruption, a playful cradling, the pines return to their post until the next storm arrives when they will repeat their winter game just for the fun of it.
 I look forward to having guests over. A warm fire, good food. Sitting content, I will light my pipe and let the rich smell of her smoke permeate the house. The smoke will rise and dance with the laughter of the evening and my smile will resonate deep; to the core of my soul. In spring we plan, we plant, we ready ourselves for the growing season. Summer is work, and fun, and long days are capped with dark starry nights. Autumn brings forth bounty and color and celebration. But winter is an embracing. 
It is like holding your children close. It is like the embrace and  kiss between you and your lover. It is like snuggling down deep into your bed on a cold morning only because you can. Like finishing a good book, having a fine scotch, perhaps a cigar in the tub, it is contentment at its best.  The dog curled before the fire with nary a care in the world. Only dreams of late spring planting, summer surprises, autumn's color and bounty...and perhaps a farm with Yaks.